Writing When You Haven’t Got Shit To Say

I’m trying to think of a way to make this sound poignant and insightful, but all I’m getting is: nothing.
I have absolutely NOTHING to say.
Not an inkling of the tiniest hint of even the faintest whisper of a sigh of an idea.
Not even a BAD idea.

A bad idea that was SO bad, that it could probably pass for a generic, amateurish, whiny, Disney Channel, feel-good teeny-boppingbullshit movie of the summer that would be called something like:

“The Last Summer”
“The Raddest Summer of Our Lives”
“Stacy’s Killer Life-Changing Summer That Changed Her Life Because She Learned Shit About Herself”
“The Summer of Stacy”
“Stacy’s Super Slammin’ Silly Summer Slumber-Party-Social That She Spent Studying To Become A Superior Surgeon of Super Awesome Stuff About Stuff and Stuff But Also She’s A Super Secret Super-Agent Spy So She Has To SJuggle Her Social, SHomelife, and Spylife SAll SAt SOnce SCan She SDo It?”

…Based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks.

This idea of talking about not having anything to talk about gives me the dumbest/greatest idea for an imaginary scene in a really horrible, imaginary, B-movie that would probably be written by the same horrible fuck that wrote “27 Dresses”:

“Stacy was a writer. She had always wanted to be a writer ever since she was a little girl and was old enough to hold a pencil in her little, little girl hands. Stacy always knew that one day, she would be a famous writer like her mother; the famous writer of the famous “The Answer Is Always: Love” series.
But Stacy was unsure and very insecure about her writing abilities because she was afraid that she would never ever be able to step out of her famous writer mother’s famous writing shadow.
But little did Stacy know, her life was about to change FOREVER.
“Be careful what you wish for, Stacy.” Stacy’s mom had always said. Oh boy, was she right!”

And then Stacy would be a struggling writer for the first 30 minutes of the movie, and the director would make ABSOFUCKINGLUTLEY SURE that you knew Stacy was a struggling writer, because she hangs out at home in a too big grey t-shirt and dark blue sweatpants with her long, blonde hair in a messy, but kind of sexy, Dame Maggie Smith bun. And everyday Stacy would walk out of her really big, well decorated, and clean for someone who’s supposedly broke but can somehow afford designer clothing and handbags and ipads and smartphones, living in New York apartment, and check her mailbox with a hopeful look on her face that makes you, the viewer think: “Wow, Stacy really wants to be a writer. She looks hopeful. Stacy must be working really hard and sending her manuscripts to publishers hoping for a “Yes”. But, it doesn’t look like today’s the day because she looks really sad and disappointed. I can tell because they’re playing The Smiths’ “Asleep” in the background.”

And then, BAM! Stacy discovers blogs; and just like that, Stacy is a famous blogger that writes about the everyday struggles of an upper middle-class white girl in the city.
(Cause we can ALL relate to that.) But, UH-OHES! Stacy’s hunky, also-a-writer, neighbor (RYAN REYNOLDS, PROBABLY.) is a handsome asshole that doesn’t think Stacy has what it takes to be a famous writer/blogger! So what does she do? She sleeps with him! (You show HIM who’s boss, Stacy! You can be a famous writer if you just put your vagina to it!)

And then there’s some kind of misunderstanding, a fight, a Coldplay song, rain, a scene where Stacy sits by her laptop and stares at Handsome Asshole’s (RYAN REYNOLDS) sexy photos all sad and shit. But then - GASP! Stacy realizes, she doesn’t need Handsome Asshole (RYAN REYNOLDS) in her life to be a successful, famous, blogger! Stacy can do it ALL BY HERSELF! Then there’s a montage of Stacy getting her shit together while Train’s “Hey Soul Sister” or Spencer Davis Group’s “Gimme Some Lovin” or like, Smash Mouth or some shit like that, plays VERY LOUDLY FOR TWO MINUTES OF SCREEN TIME.

Then Stacy runs into Handsome Asshole (RYAN REYNOLDS) at the BIG interview at the BIG magazine that she’s been wetting her panties over all through this abortion of filmmaking; then there’s some awkward “How’ve you been doing?” dialogue. Handsome Asshole (RYAN REYNOLDS) goes in for his interview first, and it looks like he did well because he and the interviewer are being all buddy-buddy, shaking hands and laughing.
Which makes Stacy nervous because she’s nervous, but she’s made up her goddammned mind and this job means too much to let some handsome asshole ruin it for her.
But alas, Stacy doesn’t get the job at the BIG magazine because Handsome Asshole (RYAN REYNOLDS) is waaaay more qualified for the job than some overprivileged, upper-middle class, blogger from Connecticut.
Stacy heads for the exit, but before she reaches the foyer…There he is. Handsome Asshole (RYAN REYNOLDS) is standing there, waiting for her. Jason Mrazz’szz “I’m Yours” begins to play. He says something sweet, romantic, and non-asshole. She swoons, smiles, and begins to cry - just a little bit - they’re happy tears; she walks down the steps, arms wide open, he begins meets her halfway when his very important phone rings importantly. Stacy looks disappointed when he pulls it (the phone) out of his pocket…but wait! He looks at the phone, looks at Stacy, then he looks over at the giant water fountain that nobody noticed until just now that is IN THE MIDDLE OF “the BIG” magazine foyer. Then, looking back and grinning at Stacy - you just KNOW he’s gonna do something cute and very Un-Handsome Asshole-like — HE THROWS THE PHONE INTO THE FOUNTAIN.

And that’s when “I’m Yours” bursts into the chorus and Stacy laughs through her happy tears, they run to each other, big kiss, blah blah blah fade to black and “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” plays through the end credits.
The End.”

Written and Directed by the guy who did “Surfer, Dude”.

So, yeah. Writing.